On the Inside

This is one of those weeks where I wonder what to write about. Most of my posts have been about a particular event or different spheres of my life. Little has occurred in recent weeks that makes a good story. What is happening in my life is more internal. Right now my life seems to be full of figuring out what it means to grieve well, dealing with anger and unfulfilled longings. Stir in the effects of still being in transition and at times my emotions and thoughts seem like a ball of yarn that a cat has played with until it is a tangled mess. At times it feels that I have far too much time on my hands but that has allowed me extended time to read, study, pray and journal. And when I'm stuck with my thoughts going around in circles, there are a couple of women in my life who challenge my thinking and get me going in the right direction again.

I've found much of what I'm experiencing to be mirrored in the Psalms. I'm thankful that God included so many laments in his songbook even though we don't sing them in church. (We need more laments in our repertoire, but that's another topic.) I've memorized Psalm 16, 27, 42 & 43, and 63 and manage to review them each day as I get ready for work at 4:30 AM. It's been a great way to start my day and has oriented my prayers.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;

be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, "Seek my face."

My heart says to you,

"Your face, Lord, do I seek."

Hide not your face from me.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

 

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

I say to God, my rock:

"Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning 

because of the oppression of the enemy?"

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night; 

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

There are many things that I desire and would like to see happen in my life. I'm also grieving losses that change everything for the rest of my life. As I've wrestled with these things and allowed God's word to work in my mind and heart, I find myself knowing at a much deeper level that God is the only one who can satisfy the deep needs of my soul. He's the only one who provides exceeding joy. My other desires seem less strong, less important, and my desire for him is deeper and more intense. And the process has probably been helped by the relative dullness of many of my days.