Under pressure

I don't remember exactly who said it, but somewhere during my transition to France I heard that the problems a person has only become magnified when put under stress. The general sense among  expatriates is that they are living with more stress than the average person simply because they live in another culture, functioning in another language while the support of family and friends is on the other side of the ocean. During the fall semester my advisor seemed somewhat skeptical when I told her I had a good handle on how to deal with stress. After all I had 18 years of cross-cultural living under my belt.

Then came semester # 2. This stress feels far greater than anything I dealt with in France (though I may have a poor/short memory). This stress is pressure, constant pressure. I'm watching some of my classmates age before my eyes. The dark circles under the eyes can no longer be hidden. I don't know if people think I always look tired or not but I feel the constant pressure. It ties me to my desk and computer. I always have anatomy flash cards in my pocket so I don't waste any down time, especially at work. My housemates appear elated when I tell them I'm headed out to do something fun. The only break from the pressure is on Sunday when I'm often so tired the only thing I want to do when I get home from church is take a nap. Somehow I make it through each week. Friends remind me that this is only for a season. (December 13 can't come soon enough.) They also let me know that I am not alone. A couple of weeks ago some friends from church blessed me with two grocery sacks full of meals I could put in the freezer. It was really nice not to feel like I needed to be cooking on Sunday afternoon so I had something ready to take for the noon meal during the two days I'm in class all day this week.

All this pressure is giving me a first hand view of what I've heard about problems being magnified under stress. The things I've struggled with and the battles I face to believe truth rather than lies haven't changed. It's exactly the same issues as a year ago, just magnified. And it's not a pretty sight. I want to protest that the battles only compound the pressure I'm under. A few days ago I read the story of the nation of Israel running out of food a month and a half after leaving Egypt. Talk about stress! They had left the only place they had ever known. They had almost been slaughtered by the Egyptian army but God had miraculously saved them. Now they are out in the middle of the wilderness and there is no food. Put under pressure, what came out was grumbling and murmuring rather than faith in God who had taken care of them every step of the way. It seemed like a better idea to be a slave in Egypt than die of hunger in the middle of nowhere. I find it interesting that the Hebrew word translated grumbled in Ex. 16 also means to lodge, to dwell. It seems to me that I start grumbling when I mentally dwell on the wrong things. That's where my battle lies. Instead of dwelling on all the good and God's gracious provision in so many ways, I dwell on what I don't have. I think that if only z was different or I had x then the pressure wouldn't be so bad. I end up grumbling and murmuring just like the people of Israel.

As I was thinking about the pressure I'm under I remembered that pressure produces diamonds.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, 

if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 

so that the tested genuineness of your faith

--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire

--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor 

at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1.6-7)

There is more at stake than my sanity and a degree. After all, a degree won't impress anyone in heaven. Praise, glory and honor from Jesus - that is something worth striving for. My gracious Father has deemed the pressure necessary. He'll get me through, and in the process, I can count on him to get rid of the impurities the pressure is revealing.